I used to be cool...

Found this photo of me when I was, like, 14 and my best friend, Vanessa (she took this picture), and I had bleached my hair because I decided I was tired of the color (I had peroxided the front and sides to have that two-toned look -- it didn't look so good with the perm).

She was, of course, an expert in hair color because she had a multi-colored mohawk. She said we had to bleach it first so that it would take to the dye of the dark brown color that we were going to try to put it back to. We picked a dark ash brown -- wrong choice. It faded within weeks to a nifty dark-green-hued brown. Think... well, you know what's dark-green-hued and brown. It was years before I screwed with my hair color again.

I love Vanessa; she's my soul sister and we are still, truly, like 150 years later (well, it feels that way, anyway), still BFFs.

But look at this picture. Just look how damn cool I was at 14. Smokin', all casual like, bleached hair, black stretch-lace tank top and Ray Bans. When I originally scanned this picture years ago, I cut off the rest of the image. What you don't see are my shit beat up sneakers (Vanessa and I named those shoes: the scummies -- we shared them) with no socks (duh), and worn pegged 501s (done by hand). 1987. And I can guarantee you we were listening to the Violent Femmes, and possibly even taking one, one, one 'cause you left me...

Well, anyway, the picture is so utterly, horribly embarrassing that I just had to put it out there for the whole freakin' world. That girl is still a part of me, though. She's all meshed in there with my nerdy self. See? I can do the Olivia Newton John Grease ending change-up, too... just maybe in reverse.

Man, I just wish I knew everything now like I knew then and was even half as cool...

I challenge other bloggers out there to post their embarrassing teen photos. I can't possibly be alone, here...

Table Cake? Really?

So I was at the grocery store the other night and happened through the bakery department. This particular grocery store happens to have one of the best bakeries in town -- certainly the best of all the grocery stores.

I adore dessert so I always check out the goods, and *unfortunately* frequently buy something. There, sitting on a table, were stacks of cakes.

Lots of different kinds of cakes that were frosted, decorated 8" single layer rounds. They were labeled: Table Cakes (fitting, since they were cakes on a table).

But really? How come I've never heard of table cake? And what's the proper etiquette for them? Are you just supposed to keep cake out on the table all the time, now? I mean, I don't normally keep with social niceties, but hey, if it's cake then I might start!

Did I buy one? That's my secret...

;-)

Screw it -- Everyone's right and no one wins

Update on the union stuff: Hmmm... nothing's happening - no one's budging. Surprise, surprise. So, still disgruntled with the status quo, I've decided that all I can do is say everyone's right (after all, it seems that everyone fervently believes their perspectives regardless of differences) and urge people to just get down to business.

On Wed. morning, I went to a County Commissioner's meeting because they are the ones who have the ultimate power in settling the contract issues (remember, I said I work for The Man?). Several people spoke (not me, I just went as a body of support to settle the union contract) on several different issues -- one of which was turning a vacant armory into an emergency homeless shelter -- that's the homeless topic to which I refer below.

Anyway, after that meeting, I wrote them a letter. I also got a response back from one of the Commissioners with a lunch invitation. We'll do that -- just as soon as all the stuff is settled and there isn't what anyone could construe to be a conflict of interest or anything.

I mean, I've thought about being a county commissioner some day (amongst many other choices, granted). Maybe. I need to go to a few more meetings and see what's what, but they happen in the workday and I'm, well, working at that time unless I specifically arrange to take vacation time. I should probably do that more, but right now all my vac time gets spent on school, so it's not likely to happen soon.

Anyway, my point here is to post my letter and the response. Ssorry about all the [ed.] marks -- there was a lot of information that I took out because I thought it could be construed as TMI both personally for me and legally by explicitly stating the parties involved, although I have left the Commissioner names intact, so I suppose a determined person could look up and fill in all the blanks on their own -- they're really not important to the content of the letter, though -- y'all get my drift. So, here's how I'm handling my issues with this whole shebang (nothing helps me emote like a good letter):



From: Susan [info omitted - TMI for the internet]
Sent: Wed 2/18/2009 2:35 PM
To: DWYER Bill J; FLEENOR Bill A; HANDY Rob M; SORENSON Pete; STEWART Faye H
Subject: Open Letter to [ed.] County Commissioners: Thoughts from meeting 2/18/09


--------- Open Letter to [ed.] County Commissioners (If nothing else, please read the *starred statements...) ---------

Thoughts from County Commissioners' meeting 2/18/09:

I'm Susan at [address information omitted because this is the freakin' internet, after all] Commissioner Dwyer's district. I came to this morning's meeting in support of ratifying a [info omitted] union contract. What I came away with was much more.

I am a proponent of fiscal and civic responsibility. Commissioner Fleenor, I am perfectly willing to make sacrifices when necessary. I must point out that to those of us who are on the bottom of the earnings hierarchy, it doesn't appear that the top paid officials and managers have made any sacrifices, themselves. I am one of [ed.] County's lower earning employees at [again, info not necessary for the internet to have].

Listening to the homeless advocates made me think about the fact that I am just two months away from homelessness and bankruptcy, myself, at any given time. Also, as a self-supporting student, I don't earn enough money to have savings. What we fail to consider is the impact on the local economy when people lose income along with heart and faith in their leaders and employers.

When you invest in your employees, you are also investing in your community. I make sacrifices for the good of my community. In addition to time and goods, I donated over $500 last year to local causes [turns out it was over $600 after I did my taxes later that day-- that's a lot of money for me to give away], I [list a lot of volunteer and work stuff I do that I also don't think the Internet needs to know]. I also am a full-time student while working full-time and pride myself on being a high performer (I have even received kind words from my manager that I need to work below my abilities because it creates unreasonable expectations of my position).

It is my intent to make a career of service within [ed.] County. I will graduate, with honors, [omitted]this June, and am excited by the opportunities for career growth that [the] County affords. I am a proud [ed.] County employee and, Commissioner Dwyer, I would very much like to have coffee sometime in the future and discuss the potentialities surrounding public service -- particularly as a resident of [ed. but, we all know it's Springtucky].

*The union has brought to my attention -- and to the attention of all its members -- that it proposed a contract that saved a significant amount of money (nearly a quarter million dollars) for the County over the course of three years. As a citizen, taxpayer, volunteer and voter, I think that it behooves the [ed.] County Board of Commissioners to overcome the divisive "us and them" mentality that pervades contract negotiations and look at what's fiscally responsible for the good of the County. As Commissioners Sorenson and Handy mentioned, we all need to work together.

*I acknowledge that I may not necessarily have all the pieces of this puzzle, and may never have them all. Therefore, the only recourse that I have is to earnestly believe that my elected union representatives are doing the best that they can, acting with integrity and honesty for the good of their members and community -- just as I must believe that my elected County Commissioners are also doing the best that they can to act with integrity and honesty and to serve to the best of their capacities as [ed.] County Stewards.

*I urge you to put aside acrimony and accept the proposed contract by [the union]. It saves [ed.]County money, is good for the employees and is good for the community of [ed.] County.

Respectfully yours,

Susan [omitted]
[ed.] County Citizen
[ed.] County Employee
[more info we don't need online] union E-Board Member


________________________________

Reply from Commissioner Dwyer:

"Thanks for your thoughts. I would be glad to have lunch with you sometime soon!"

I don't know what to believe...

I'm really confused about union negotiation shit at work, right now. I think that I'm not allowed to go into details because it would violate labor laws or something, but suffice it to say that I don't really buy into gloom and doom on one side (union) combined with whining about money (employer) on the other.

So far, I've believed everything that I'm told by my union leaders. But tonight, after an executive board meeting (I'm on the board - new, one month so far), I was talking to a retired coworker about how the proposed changes to the contract (a really BIG DEAL) would possibly affect retirees' health benefits -- if they get them from the employer. Turns out that he didn't have enough time in to be a retiree w/employer provided medical, so it's not his concern. But he does, however, maintain friends with a person in management HR, who has told him all kinds of awful anti-unionist stuff. I tried to counter it with all kinds of anti-establishment stuff. And we both hung up upset and unhappy.

And so I got to thinking. He urged me to question my sources and their motives. Well, honestly, I'm just believing what I'm being told by my union's leaders -- I don't really have any other sources. And I'll bet you money that the manager he was talking to is in the same exact position I am (believing what she's told by her group's leaders). And I'll bet that the truth of the matter is somewhere in between. Why the hell can't people just say what's what and lay out all the cards on the table, eh?

Now, as a side note, I also (and so are others) am keenly aware that it's pretty good to have a job with benefits of any kind in the current economy -- it's definitely an employer's market. Which is also a factor in how these negotiations are going and just does nothing to help the position of the union trying to negotiate a fair (not bonus, but not crap -- fair) contract for the next three years. What happens when we have a crappy 3 year contract, a loss of excellent medical insurance (although the remaining insurance is fine as long as you're always healthy -- so, better than nothing), greater employee turnover due to unhappiness and hostile work conditions, and the inability to attract, hire and retain the gifted workers that the employer used to be known for? They've all been jumping ship and moving to private industry because the pay and benefits are better (including retirement -- the current retirement plan is utterly unremarkable). So there's really no reason for amazing people to come work here. They can get emotionally abused, paid below their market value and be not well covered for health care. Yay.

Then again, are we whiney? Do we have room to complain? I have to ask these questions knowing that two friends of mine are currently unemployed and have been unable to get work in their fields. If it's really so bad, then why aren't I out there papering the town for a new job?

The truth of the matter is that I like my job and just don't really want anything to change (hey, I was 4 weeks late being born -- I come around, it's just slowly -- I have to thoroughly process all of the potentialities surrounding an event). But that's a whole other blog, trust me, and it's also not particularly pretty (mostly lots of me whining about the "good ol' days" interspersed with excited speculation on what I'll do after I get my degree -- a little schizo). Anyway, my headaches are thus:

I had a big paragraph here describing what my have been too much detail. Suffice it to say that the employer says there's not enough money and the union says they pitched a contract that would save mucho, mucho moolah by making sacrifices in places other than the medical insurance and the employer refused it which means that it must be about stuff other than money.

But my retired friend tells me to question the source. I say the same back to him. I have figures from our early negotiations that my union has divulged to its members (and publicly on its website) and states that it got those figures from the employer, so of course they're not fabricated. The employer doesn't (and I believe cannot due to labor laws) say anything except that they don't have money. So, if money's really the issue, then why did they turn down a cost-saving contract?

But wait... How do I know that it's truly a cost-saving contract? I haven't inspected those particular figures, myself. I don't know if an external auditor has inspected those figures and confirms my union's assessment. Maybe this is being spun to me? I can't talk directly to the employer about any of it (again, something about violating labor laws).

This sucks. I hate not being able to get accurate, reliable data. I'm a very information-oriented person. And I hate divisiveness. I don't like "us and them." We're all in this ship together and if we plot a good course and hold steady in the storm then there will be riches for all. We need to all make decisions and perform actions with a universal set of ideologies and goals -- and if one area makes sacrifices, then every area needs to. No big raises for the highest paid folks after layoffs of lower paid workers. I mean, if there's no money then there's no money. At the same time, no demands and threats if the lifestream (main funding source) is really critically running toward the red. I just want to identify the issues, look at facts, compromise where necessary, meet in the middle and solve the freakin' problem. At the same time, I am fine with a hierarchal setting where less authority and responsibility = less pay and more authority and responsibility = more pay. I just don't think that decimating economies is very responsible, so therefore doesn't merit more pay.

But I am a problem solving, analytical, informational, transparent person who detests subterfuge and who has never been able to really understand or play the games. I never made it in cliques as a kid because I just didn't get it -- I don't always cue on subtext and it can take a lot of reflection in order for me to perceive beyond what's presented (if you haven't figured it out, yet, I'm really a WSIWYG kind of person and take everyone else at face value because, really, what else is there if you don't know someone deeply and personally?). Mostly, I process verbally (can you tell by the volume of words I require?) -- talking it out with others who have diverse and similar perspectives so that I can more thoroughly understand situations or problems. But this situation just completely defies my sensibilities. I'm lost. And I still want to go into politics locally at some point because I'm under the delusion that I really can be an honest politician (of course, I may not get voted in just for that reason...). But that's another whole other blog.

I suspect that no one's quite speaking honestly, which may just turn this whole issue into a big debacle-fest of who can hold out longest and be more convincingly self-righteous while everyone basically suffers, although at this point, I would honor whatever decisions are made by the union leadership in negotiation -- including not crossing picket lines if it comes to that.

Dammit. I don't know what to believe...

Take my money! Please!

Okay, so last October/November, I filled out the paperwork and mailed it in to have my long-distance carrier (CREDO) pay itself via automatic withdrawal from my checking account. The fact that I even still have a land line with a long distance carrier is truly a testimony to my sentimental nature. I do also have a cell like the rest of the world, I just have a cheap pre-pay one so it's not attached to my head; I only use it when I need to.

Well, it's three months later and they still haven't paid themselves. Moreover, I'm now locked out of being able to make an electronic payment so I can't pay them, either. I receive no paper bill and their East Coast office hours when I could possibly call in and dial my way through phone maze hell to find someway to pay the bill via telephone doesn't work with my West Coast hours. Lastly, I totally forget about them on the weekends because I'm slammed with homework. You know, I'm just too busy to not act immediately on business that needs to be taken care of. Otherwise, I forget and more pressing business gets taken care of, instead (like weekly homework deadlines).

I like CREDO. I think I liked it better when it was Working Assets and I could sit here at 10:30 at night balancing my checkbook and notice that the bill still hasn't been paid and just call them because they *used* to have customer service at reasonable hours. I mean, who takes care of personal business during the day? All mine happens after I get home, wind down, have dinner, do homework, watch a little TV, turn off the TV, take a shower, and then, then, maybe I have a few minutes to attend to domestic issues like paying bills and balancing the checkbook. And then it's always like 10p.m. - 2a.m.

So, CREDO and I have been emailing back and forth. Really, they seem to be nice people and I still totally support all of their lovely left wing, rah-rah causes (cause I'm oppositional that way, too), they're just not quite getting it. Um... Can I pay you now, please? It's really messing up my checkbook and I hate that this keeps coming up; I need closure! So, here's a copy and paste of my email correspondence with them over the last 3 weeks. We'll see what happens with the next one...:

"Hello again! I see that autopay still hasn't kicked in like we thought it might. That makes me now three months behind in paying my bill. Did I mention that I don't like to be behind in bill paying? Well, your phoning in hours don't work for me because 1) I'm asleep when you open, and 2) then I'm at work, and 3) you're closed when I get home from work because I'm on Pacific Time. So, now that I can't make an online payment, and now that you're still not paying yourselves, I'm not quite sure what to do to get this bill paid. Any other suggestions?

I'd like to pay it, but I'm not getting up an extra 1/2 hour early because I already don't get enough sleep from school, work, dr./vet appointments and volunteering. I don't think I'm being unreasonable since I've given Credo complete access to my checking account and, really, it can just take the money anytime it wants -- it's just choosing not to and not allowing me to easily rectify the situation.

Maybe... could you please send me a paper bill in the mail? I'm signed up for paperless, but if you send me one stinkin' paper bill, I'll pay the whole dang thing from it. As it is, I now have three transactions spread out over the last three months in my checkbook that are causing it to not balance because I keep going in and dutifully deducting the amount due each month from my checkbook thinking that this time *this time* will be the month that gets paid. No cigar, yet. I've had friends who[se] births are less suspenseful. That's really annoying and just ever so slightly entertaining enough to blog about.

I mean, I like the Credo cause and all that, but this whole taking three months to get autopay set-up is getting ridiculous. Anyway, please let me know if you can send me a paper bill so that I can pay this three month's worth of phone bill while I sit here and wait for the auto payment function to kick in. And then in another three months I'll ask for another paper bill... Thanks, Susan

--- On Fri, 1/16/09, yourcredobillyadayadayada [changed for privacy]wrote:

From: yourcredobillyadayadayada[changed for privacy]
Subject:
RE: Member XXXXXXXX[changed for privacy]
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 9:39 AM


Dear Susan:

Thank you for your re[p]ly. I certainly apologize for the confusion this has
caused you. With automatic withdrawal the system (online bill) will advise that
you are on automatic withdrawal and it will not let you submit a payment once it
has been added to your account. However, the process does take from 30-90 days
to become active and the online bill will still tell you that you are on
automatic withdrawal even though the payments are not being removed. I do
apologize, but we generally advise our members that it may be necessary to send
a payment via the regular mail or give us a call with a credit card payment to
be sure you do not go past due. I am sorry you were not aware of these
procedures.

Currently the automatic withdrawal is now pending to remove the full balance as
of February 4, 2009. Your credit history is not in jeopardy as our billing
system is internal only.

You are not able to submit a payment online now. As I advised in the above
paragraph you are able to send a payment to us or give us a call with a credit
card payment.

Our billing address is:

[changed for privacy]

Again, I do apologize for any inconvenience and frustration this has caused
you.

To view your online bill, please go to:
[changed for privacy]

If you have any further questions or concerns about CREDO Long Distance please
feel free to email me directly. Or call [changed for privacy]

Thanks for your continuing support for CREDO Long Distance where you make a
difference every day.

Regards,

Nancy
Customer Relations
CREDO Long Distance



-----Original Message-----
From: Susan
Posted At: Thursday, January 15, 2009 11:46 PM
Posted To: WA I-Billing
Conversation: [changed for privacy]
Subject: RE: [changed for privacy]

Right. I get that the automatic payment is scheduled. What I'm saying
is that it's not happening regardless of being scheduled. It was scheduled
in December, and scheduled in January, too, and didn't happen then,
either. (I'd actually round up to the nearest dollar, so $43, if it
actually happens this month.) I mean, I had no control over not paying in
December. I can't -- the system won't let me. I don't want to
wait until the auto payment date comes and goes without the payment actually
going through, again. I would like it to get paid now, please. I don't
like having late payments on my record in any way, shape or form. I have good
credit for a reason.

Thank you,

Susan


--- On Thu, 1/15/09, yourcyadayadayada[changed for privacy]wrote:
From: yourcredobillyadayadayada[changed for privacy]
Subject: RE: Member 956549
To: [changed for privacy]
Date: Thursday, January 15, 2009, 12:18 PM

Dear Susan[changed for privacy]

First we'd like to thank you for your 9 ½ years of continued support.
With the support of customers like you, we've donated over $60 million to
progressive causes.

I am sorry to hear about the trouble you have experienced with automatic
payment. Upon viewing your account I see there is a pending payment to be
deducted from your account on 02/04/09; the pending payment for 02/04/09 is for
the balance of $42.85. Please note with automatic payment it can take 30-90
days for your information to be entered, verified and functioning in our
system.
The automatic payment information was received on 11/16/08.

I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience.

If you have any further questions or concerns about CREDO Long Distance please
feel free to email me directly. Or call [changed for privacy]

Did you know we also have mobile service? If you would like to learn about
CREDO Mobile, go to www.credomobile.com. We have a wide range of cool phones
and
competitive plans to suit you. And we'll donate 1% of your charges to
worthy
nonprofits--at not extra cost to you.

Thanks for your continuing support for CREDO Long Distance where you make a
difference every day.

Regards,

Ken
Customer Relations
CREDO Long Distance



-----Original Message-----
From: Susan
Posted At: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 11:15 PM
Conversation: Autopayment not working
Subject: Autopayment not working

Member Name:
Susan
Member Number:
XXXXXXXX[blocked out for my own privacy]

Hi, my bill didn't get paid last month or the month before. It's in
auto payment, so I figured it would correct itself because the website
won't
let me make a payment. Also, I have paperless billing so have no bill to pay
from with a check, either. I'm happy to pay my bill. Just please allow
me to do it. I thought that auto-pay would be easy here, as I have many of my
bills set up that way. Apparently, I was mistaken. Please remove bill
autopay since it doesn't work. Or, of course, you could also fix it, and
I'd be happy. I don't like to have to chase my bills; I'm
perfectly happy with them just getting paid automatically so I don't have
to
worry about it.

At any rate, please pay yourself, or allow me to.

Thank you,

Susan

I'm a silly girl sometimes, or... Pondering the deeper meanings behind the idea that maybe I've invested too much time in escapism.

So, now about those TV character crushes... I know these aren't real people, so don't get me wrong. But, part of the reason people like TV is because they fantasize and relate to the scenarios on some level and that's not real, either. I get it, don't worry. And so here follows a nearly exhaustive description of all the fictional guys (and a few girls) that I've crushed on. Here's my shallow, silly girl crush spoiler alert for this post. If you don't like this kind of thing, then quit reading.

My first TV character crush, as just a very little girl, was Mr. Spock. Man, he was just so cool, strong and brilliant. Next came Dr. Who (Tom Baker at the time) -- I was still a little girl. He, too, brilliant, cool, capable but with a more developed sense of humor. Yeah, okay, so they're both not human, but whatever; lots of my crushes weren't/aren't humans. I'm not humanoid speciesist, okay? And my profile says I'm a nerd, anyway.

Next came the teen years dominated by the typical popular hot TV stars (with a good dose of 21 Jumpstreet's Johnny Depp -- I've dug lots of Johnny's characters; I was fully in love with his Chocolat character. He's a primo hottie on my list - you know, the one that you and your spouse/partner both have of people who the other isn't allowed to object to if you ever get the opportunity to hook-up with; the list is basically always made up of celebrities and rockstar types you'll never meet, including fictional characters).

Now, as a 30-something, my faves are: Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. I love those insanely brilliant types (sweater vests and a gun - rock on); back to the ol' childhood preference, I guess. Um, Eddie Cahill's Friends character from years of yore (yum - although I understand his desire to further his career via a more dramatic role in CSI: NY), Christine's brother on The New Adventures of Old Christine and the jaded alien-hunting cop on the too short-lived Special Unit 2 (SU2). O. M. G. and Colin whatshisname's Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Oh, Mr. Darcy. Yowza.

I also have a couple of girl crushes (nonsexual, duh) just 'cause I think they're cool: Garcia from Criminal Minds and Abbi from NCIS. Also, Kaylee, the cool girl mechanic from Firefly (TV series), Dee-dee from Spy Girls and Pam Anderson's Val from VP (man, that was a funny, campy, super-cheesy show; and I love cheese). Oh, and that awesome cyber-chick on that episode of X-Files who had all the conspiracist-nerd dudes in awe who came out to fight the VR AI who was attempting to take over the world through the love affair that she had with her creator, a kid in a trailer. I don't remember much else, except that she was cool. And Dark Angel and Aeon Flux (the cartoon character, of course), too. Speaking of cartoon characters, my sister says I'm Daria. Right. Well, they all have traits that I admire and I either would like to emulate, embody or just hang out with.

And when I was a little kid, maybe 2nd grade, I remember this episode of Love Boat (cue theme song) where one of the guests was this uber-smart lady who was beautiful when she removed her glasses, fixed her hair and hid her smarts. As soon as she got back to being herself, though, no one was interested. I remember being intrigued by her, and that she was a nuclear physicist, and so that's the third thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up (the first being a queen -- I wanted to wear the queen suit, and the second being a psychologist as influenced by the Bob Newhart Show ). None of that ever happened, but I'm still holding out hope for the professional position of Queen, somewhere. Anyway, she was cool.

Um... Maybe I've watched too much TV over the years.

Well, I also have had a number of book character crushes, too. The biggest, I think, was/is R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt Do'urden. Mmmmm... Dark Elf Ranger. Next, Janet Evanovich's Ranger and I think I like: smart, broody and athletic. That must be it. But I like goofy humor, too -- that's a must. Well, there were lots and lots more book crushes (oh, the supporting Asian-sounding character who died tragically in the White-Ring Wielder series and Tolkien's Legolas and Strider, both), and little crushes on some of the authors just because they're so brilliant: Tad Williams and Neal Stephenson.

And I think I'd also like to meet Keanu Reeves. I dig all the sci-fi stuff he's done and think he sounds like a cool person from interviews and such. And he's cute. I'm just putting that out there to the universe because of something I read in one of the gossip mags that someone had at the office. It reported (and I use that term loosely) in its coverage of Josh Duhamel (yum, too) & Fergie's wedding, that Josh just mentioned that he'd love to meet her, and look -- 7 years or so later, they're married. So, there. I pick Keanu Reeves to meet. Oh and Orlando Bloom, too, just because he's a hot elf and because one of those stupid "which celebrity is your best date match" games matched him up with me. ;-D

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend. Also, we have not had, and continue to not have, any intention of finalizing anything by getting married -- even though we have our 15 year anniversary this August. Whatever, we just kind of go with the flow. And, if I were ever seriously going to consider dating anyone else, then Troy and I would have to call it quits, first. I'm not the philanderin' type and I'm also quite happy with our relationship the way it is at this time. I am, however, the pondering, speculative type. So, now, where was I?

Lastly, a few more characters: Daphne DeMaurier's pirate (Frenchman's Creek), Last of the Mohican's Uncas, Babylon 5's Marcus (the Ranger), Edward Scissorhands (there's Johnny, again), Han Solo, Professor Z (from something like Black Hole High), and Stargate's Dr. Daniel from when he wore glasses (glasses on rugged-looking men earn bonus points for me). Those smart, dark, tall-ish, athletic, studious or broody men with glasses and guns always get me; I don't think they really exist, though, and they'd also have to be kind inside with a weakness for animals to really be the end all. And if one ever came around me in real life, I'd be highly suspicious -- too good to be true, what's the catch...

Well, after re-reading all that, I can see why I'm not married. Huh. I'll just have to wait until Dr. Josh Stein and I meet (Another unreal person -- that's a name from a dream that I had a few months ago where that was the name of the man I was going to marry -- I have no idea who that is and didn't find anyone when I googled the name who looked likely to match, so maybe my subconscious drummed that up from a TV show, movie or book or something that I don't consciously recall).

There. That's much better than that crappy nightmare I woke up with. And now I can do homework. Yippee.

I just woke up from a bad dream...

No really, I did just wake up from a bad dream. Sometimes I'm just absolutely appalled by what my subconscious mind can drum up. This was something horrifying about some old woman living in... the Turkish countryside? I mean, I don't even know anything about Turkey except that it struggles to maintain a secular goverment and it was petitioning to join the EU a couple of years ago. I certainly don't know finer points like if it has monkeys, but I'm getting ahead of myself... The old woman lived a basic 3rd world existence. But, let's get back to the beginning.

Anyway, the dream actually starts here in the U.S., in Oregon where I live, in a small town like Woodburn or something. It starts with a call for help on TV to find a mountain lion who would nurse a litter of 9 kits whose mother had never returned for them. I was thinking they should be taken to the zoo, but there was some reason why that wasn't possible (of course, otherwise the horrible, old, monkey lady wouldn't have entered the dream). So, then they cut to footage (except that I'm seeing it as if I were there -- it doesn't appear on a TV screen in the dream), of this horrible old woman who insists that they have to go to the monkeys. I don't know what the monkeys would do with the kits, the dream just forgets about the kits once the monkey lady comes in.

She lives her life with monkeys milking them and harvesting their fur. Did I mention that monkeys freak me out? They scare me. Anyway, the old woman wears those big, dark brown, woven type of robes that cover her from head to toe that my preconceived notions think are so very popular in the region. Oh, and I always dream in color. She sits squatting in a big-tent-like place that has hay covering the dirt floor and she just goes to the bathroom wherever/whenever and claims that this is how the monkeys do it and it is the best way because then you just have a lackey come and clean the hay. This is incidental -- she doesn't explain this in detail, it's just something that I glean from the scenario. I'm just elaborating here to add to the layers of how disturbing this was.

She's got a medium-dog-sized monkey wrapped up in a thick, dingy, white blanket and it's squirming so she keeps having to overpower it and reposition it in between times when she yanks out handfuls of its grayish hair, which causes bloody, hairless spots to appear and then there's another woman (this one also robed, but young) who silently squats across from her and pours a clear liquid from a clear, plastic bottle on the monkey's wounds creating a flood to rinse away the blood into the towel in between bouts of when the old crone rips out another handful of hair. The monkey screams and tries to get free every time this happens. Since this is TV, all I can do is watch in horror and feel impotent and sad for the torture that this poor monkey endures. The crone obviously has no issues with it for she just goes on ripping out handfuls of hair as this is her vocation. Again, this is a dream, people. Not real.

I woke up very distressed and disturbed. I mean, that's fucking sick. My newly awoken self was dwelling on what the liquid in the bottle was. I decided it must just be water because if it were anything else I think the reaction would have been much worse. And then, because I'm me and I analyze and problem-solve by nature, I started thinking about why the hell the old crone had to harvest monkey hair that way. I was vaguely thinking about how much suffering could be spared if she just had the right tools to do the job and how to communicate that and get some shears over there.

And then I really awoke and decided that that dream sucked and that I'd think about my TV character crushes, instead. But I want to talk about them in another post because I don't want to sully them by putting them in this one.

In an attempt to attach meaning to this dream (because I know that Jungian analysis states that everything in the dream is an aspect of one's self, and this was a pretty disturbing dream), I googled around a bit. The best site I found is this dream dictionary and it says (among many other things) that emotions are important. My emotions were/are: disgust, distress, horror, confusion, compassion, impotence, anger. Yikes, that's quite a list.

Symbolic meanings given are (excerpted directly from the site "http://unclesirbobby.110mb.com/dreamdictionaryo.php"):

KITTEN a gut feeling fresh in your mind
KITTEN a strong sense about your direction in life
KITTEN new ideas and confidence in yourself as a woman
KITTEN newly aquired magical and pyschic powers
LION strong and courageous - really standing up to someone
LION very ferocious - intimidating - someone who scares you
LION something or someone you would rather avoid
LIONESS female courage
(I couldn't find Mountain Lion reference and I couldn't find what it means that there were nine kits, although the number 9, as far as I could tell, universally has spirital or prayerful meaning. Whatever, though. The kits resolved themselves and while they started out as a point of interest in the dream, the did not end up as the focus.)

BOTTLE current experiences and thoughts
BOTTLE depends on whats in it - your thoughts
BOTTLE looking for inspiration from some external source - a need for stimulation
BOTTLE your thoughts in a bottle / your courage
DEFACATE purify your thoughts by through bad emotions
HAY hard work
MONKEY devious character
MONKEY monkeying around
OLD LADY feeling old and tired or run down with illness
OLD LADY using your own intuitive experience and gut feeling
POUR flowing freely
ROBE formally dressed
ROBE loose and adaptable image
ROBE mytholigical struggle
TENT new and fresh environment
TENT temporary home
TENT temporary response
WATER BOTTLE emotional thoughts on some remark
WATER emotional resolve - motivation
WATER flows of energy both good and bad - your ability to motivate yourself for something
WATER focus your mind and energy to some creative project or emotional issue
WATER trying to use the power of the unconscious mind to work out some problem
(Uh, duh.)

The end result is I don't know what the hell that was all about, but I must really be working on something in the ol' psyche...

Now about those TV crushes...